Seeking Answers
A couple of days back after work, I had this urge to go out, for the simplest reason that I wanted to take a break from the office. And the fact that there was this wanting just to be out. I practically spent the whole day and a night way up before lunch the next day, before I decided to go home.
First in months that I had to go out with friends.
Good, long time friends.
Funny, I was the odd one out, with the rest paired.
Would I need be same? Not in that moment, please.
Companionship, such neutrality for a word describing a couple.
The next day had me return to work.
Arriving a few minutes earlier, thinking I was refreshed, when it fact, for the entire shift, I was completely out of my wits. I couldn't put my finger on it analyzing what happened to my day break.
There I was sitting in front of my virtual online world, talking to a client half away across the globe, hearing him and verbally nodding with every statement he was throwing at me. At some point, I could visualize the words and make the sentence, even correctly align my responses to his queries.
Yet, I just couldn't summarize the whole conversation.
Everything was floating in lines numbering 1 to 100.
And discerning each statement to connect each one of them proved rather a titanic task for me.
I was clearly not ME. Oddly and peculiar of the usual who I am in my norm. I can say I've got my version of manageable weirdness. But that day was totally out of the books.
At this moment, I'm still into picking up where I left off. And I've got a pretty good idea why...well at least, it's been on my mind. I can attest that it's got something to do with being in that disposition wherein I was still denying something presently emotional in state.
When for the longest time I've been retracting the idea of relationships, domestic issues, not to mention paranoia, denial, lack of confidence and loss of a reason, in a constant search for that person who will complete me or has completed me in the past.
Such an issue for a grown-up, well, for me I suppose.
At any rate, I haven't really thought of something like this could rattle me.
Stepping into another relationship entails responsibility, patience, and trust.
And that's what scares me. I don't want to ride the waters wherein I might not be able to paddle clear to shore; I wasn't sure I wanted to be in one. I don't want to hurt anyone because I was hurting myself.
The only way [unconsciously managing to brainwash myself thru the years] was to stay clear of this and deny anything (with a hint) that would lead me astray from my singleness.
Which should not be the case. The only resolution now is understanding not to be lost in this department [of the heart] because I've passed this road before, if not to boast, many times, I've lost count. Should this be so, if I must walk the road once more, I must learn to open my heart and mind?
"Be strong and have faith", I told myself.
And continue to be.
It's the ideal choice one should make, in any situation, the basis, as it should always be, towards goodness.
Maybe I'm not looking in the right direction.
Or my eyes aren't open.
Maybe, I dwell too much on the wrong side of "maybe's"
Wake up time.
