The Story I Never Had

I'm not a fan of love stories, nor do I watch the kind.

Unless I'm utterly ensnared to because of.

But please let me restate you a story of mine.

It's still without clarity.

Though I am midway already through my mortal years, life has yet to 

   offer me a buffet of circumstance and episodes.

Fulfilling and what not, I can only hope and be patient.

An open mind is a healthy mind, for does it affects our personality, it shapes and
   broadens our understanding as well - how we decide upon what is given to us.

I have no doubt that many out there share my same sentiments.

For now, this is my history.

It's continuously unfolding as I write.

--

Since I've lost so many times with that struggle I call "relationship", not short
   of a few years ago, give or take five, I realized there was this inkling that I had

   to make a decision.
So I asked myself, and I fairly did, a lot of times.
Why do I fail it?

Maybe it wasn't what I really needed?

Maybe I didn't fit into it?

Or it wasn't my purpose?

Maybe I wasn't enough as a person?

Or maybe, I was in the wrong place, at the right time, with the wrong person?

And so it could have been one of those or all of the above.

Apparently, I probably was - to my understanding.

--

I took a deep breath and had this resolute.

A mental, emotional and stubborn reason.

I built a wall, of which I have written about more than once in this liberty.

A solid unbreakable emotional fortification, 

Structured to keep my emotions in and keep the like outside.

With one condition:
   "If this wall breaks or if someone manages to get thru the door, then I knew that was it."

I taught my heart how not to be one.

It was the only way to save it from soreness, I told myself.

To learn no further.

Broken once? Twice?

If the perceptive of how to count was an acquired skill, then I wish I could unlearn it.

You can say I gave up on sharing.

No one can say otherwise if I wanted to quit having feelings for someone.

I'll quit when I want to - that was my beef.

I didn't care, not even the slightest, about what others had to say about it.

Who gives a sh*t, right? My life. My rules.

Days, weeks, months went by.

Then a year passed. And hey, a few more after that.

The coldness.

A solitary disposition.

Blind, dumb and numb and mindless.

All for the office of the heart.

It's ruling, justified by my one rule.

So I thought.

I lost my faith in destiny, never believed it anyway.
I merely found it as an excuse during my younger years.

And back when I locked my door, inside out, threw out the key and closed my windows,

   one wonderful person came along, picked up the key and walked in, just like that.

And then on, things have never been the same.

It's an incomparable bliss I wouldn't pass.

And gladly take, no matter the odds it's entwined with.

Love is never easy.

But it doesn't validate an excuse for me to reject it, just because I fear I might fail again.

I told myself -
   "if I feel something true to my heart, why bother waiting for something good to happen
     if I'm not going to do anything about it in the first place?"
Storms don't last. It's the calmness that does most of the time.
I just have to weather the storm.

One of my philosophies that dawned on me during the days exiting out of solitude;

  "..Don't bother picking up the broken pieces. Build a new one.."

I'll tell you this, something I believe in..

"..I can never hold back what my heart tells me.."

So what is it telling me?

Well, that's another story - for now.